*sits and scratches beard thoughtfully, a slight frown furrowing his brow*
Hmmm, a bit about me? A bit about my shed? I spend quite a lot of time in my shed, partly because I really like it out here, and partly because I'm a "mad old hermit". That is the point of this I think. Not the hermit bit, I'm fairly ok with being hermity, but the mad bit. It is a word that gets thrown about a lot. I'm not actually "mad", I suffer from depression. I have screwy neuro chemistry. To be brutal, my brain is a bit of a dick to me on a daily basis.
Depression is weird and nebulous. It affects different people in different ways.
"Tell me how it affects you! Go on I'm really interested " I hear you say. Well ok then, I shall.
1. I find concentrating difficult, because it is like the world is on the other side of a glass screen, and my side has been stuffed with cotton wool by some unkind god of bathroom sundries.
2. I find concentrating.......wait, I just did that one.
3. I can become very reclusive at the drop of a hat. One minute I'm fine, the next, I won't even pick up the phone.
4. I tend towards fatalism. Its the glass half empty/full scenario, but with option three.... the glass is going to get smashed one day.
5. Fatigue. Even when I'm fully awake, I am still asleep inside. I don't sleep well. I have horrific dreams a lot, and consider a night when I just have an unsettling one a win.
6. Anhedonia. I know I should be enjoying things, and because of that, I may appear to be having a great time, but that is my body making it up. It's not that I'm having a BAD time, and hate you all, or anything like that. I'm just generally not having a time at all. The best I can generally hope for is little flashes of happiness.
7. I am kind of really grumpy a lot of the time.
8. I fear the world.
9. I hate myself a lot of the time. This is both physically and mentally, but i will post about that another time.
This is with medication. Without it, I resemble the classic image of a cave man, grunting, filthy, and hunting mammoths. Well, not the mammoths bit, but the rest is true. I have lots of ideas, and pretty much 0% "oomph" to actually get off my caveman arse and do anything about them, not because I'm lazy ( I used to work three jobs at one time - call me lazy and I will most likely get angry and go off on a rant of massive proportions, complete with arm waving), but because my brain puts the brakes on me the second I try. Tiredness, distraction by cats or shiny things, the all prevailing feeling of doom and worthlessness, or plain old fear seem to stop me. Like I said, my brain can be a total dick about stuff.
This corner of the blogosphere is mine to rant and wibble in though. It is as much for me, as it is for anyone else to read. I don't want anyone to think it is all doom and gloom though. My mind does wander a lot, and it leads down all manner of strange avenues. Ever wondered what the marmite and chocolate spread puppet show was? Or why the "table people" reenacted the Nuremberg rallies in my local branch of the works stationers? Or what cats say to each other? I have four cats, and by the gods, they get up to some odd things.
Yeah...that sort of thing.
TTFN xxx
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